Why is it so hard to say sorry?

In June 2019, Vaughan Roberts, Rector of St Ebbe's, Oxford spoke to the Proclamation Trust's Evangelical Ministry Assembly (EMA) about the abuse perpetrated by one of the organisation's founders, Jonathan Fletcher. He assured those gathered that:

"Serious questions will need to be asked about what went on and how it was able to continue. To the extent we have been complicit in a culture which allowed this to happen, real and deep repentance will be needed. Change will be necessary."

He was right.

Two years later, in March 2021, Thirtyone:eight published a Lessons Learned Review concerning Jonathan Fletcher and Emmanuel Church Wimbledon. In response, Roberts, wrote:

"Over the last couple of years I have sought to examine my own heart before the Lord for personal blind spots and failings and recognise that I still have much to learn.

It has been important to allow the Thirtyone:eight review to finish its work. This will now provide a basis for ongoing critical reflection and action within our constituency. I will do all I can to support this. While grateful for so much that has been good, I recognise the need for significant ongoing cultural examination and change. Given that I come from, and have been a leader within, the background and network that has had a major influence in shaping the culture, I am conscious of the need first and foremost to lament, listen, learn and repent, rather than taking a lead in this process."

Lament, listen, learn and repent. Again, Roberts was right and he was also not alone. Many other conservative evangelical individuals and institutions put out statements immediately after the review was published:

"I am very distressed by the harm that has been experienced by those who suffered from Jonathan Fletcher’s abusive activities and very sorry that so many felt they had nobody to turn to. The Lessons Learned Review makes very disturbing reading and needs to be considered carefully. The abuse it describes is deeply shocking. It contains lessons for the wider church that I will be taking very seriously."

The Rt Revd Rod Thomas, the former Bishop of Maidstone

"We unreservedly condemn the abuse committed by Revd Jonathan Fletcher over many years. As a church committed to best practice in safeguarding, St Helen’s will consider carefully the thirtyone:eight lessons learnt review and reflect prayerfully on what it says."

St Helen's Bishopsgate, PCC

“This is a time of lament for Anglican evangelicals as we humbly reflect on this report, carefully listen to survivors, and repent of all we need to change."

Church of England Evangelical Council

"We are deeply sorry and our hearts go out to all the victims. We recognise the need for deep contrition, sober reflection and appropriate repentance."

The Proclamation Trust

"That may involve some uncomfortable questioning and soul-searching, but as a Christian organisation we recognise that this is the time to prayerfully ask not just what we are doing, but how we are going about that task. We should never be afraid of corporately repenting of our faults and rectifying them wherever that is possible."

Lee Gatiss and Andrew Towner of Church Society

"We will consider the findings of the report carefully, mindful of the important issues of culture it raises, which require both self-reflection and change."

The Titus Trust Trustees

Reading these statements gave the impression that the conservative evangelical establishment were at last willing to address the shocking and "persistent aspects of unhealthy culture," which the report revealed.

But five years later those statements have a hollow ring. Some have even disappeared from the internet altogether. Despite committing themselves to reflection and repentance not one of the individuals, or institutions, above have made any further public statement about what they have learned and for what they need to repent.

It might, therefore, be concluded that on reflection some decided they had nothing for which to apologise, or that the issues were not as serious as they first determined. It is also possible that the silence is a mark of shame and fear.

Saying sorry is never easy and as time goes by it can become harder and more complicated. Wade Mullen speaks of the SCORE card for true apologies

Submission - stop defending the institution or individual

Confession - identify and rightly name each wrong done

Ownership - take responsibility for actions - stop using passive language

Recognition - identify and rightly name the harm caused

Empathy - absorb the truth and gravity of the wrong that has been done

Saying sorry is humbling - because a true apology requires one to put aside one's own power and stop hiding behind excuses. It requires an understanding of one's actions (or lack of action) and the willingness to name the harm that others have suffered as a consequence. It is also risky because to apologise is both to accept responsibility for what one has done and for doing all that is necessary to make right the relationship, recognising that reconciliation may take a life time. In this case, the Thirtyone:eight review recommended change could only come by some, "considering their positions and stepping down."

Private reflection may indeed have taken place; individuals may have even said sorry to those survivors they know personally. Yet, having faced the reality of the harm their inaction, lack of curiosity and fear of speaking truth to power has caused, deep shame may prevent some from making a public statement of confession. Similarly, some may feel that their personal responsibility is so entwined with decisions made corporately that to admit anything publicly would implicate others. In a culture which prizes loyalty, such a fear may be very real.

Even so, the corporate and personal silence means many victims of Fletcher’s abuse have been left to carry unwarranted shame alone. Few victims want revenge or even retribution. Most are just looking for vindication, to be heard and believed, so that lessons are learned which might stop someone else being harmed.

In a seminar entitled, "The Power of Truth and Sincerity," Wade Mullen describes how a good apology can lead to a moment when "the walls of defense are being removed, the lies are being extinguished and the scope of the severity of the abuse is clearly seen and acknowledged, and the wounded and their wounds are faced instead of shunned."

Vindication, he says, is "... setting someone free from burying blame and carrying shame that isn’t theirs to carry and creating a path for them to be restored reputationally, relationally. To help transform what was broken."

Nearly two weeks ago, a jury found that Jonathan Fletcher had committed at least sixteen acts of indecent assault on one man over a period of nearly twenty five years. Before his dementia led to him to be found 'unfit to plead', Jonathan admitted administering "physical chastisement with a rubber gym shoe" on several occasions, to a number of different individuals. Yet, by all accounts, he has continued to deny that what he did was abusive in any way, clinging to the idea that many found his behaviour "helpful" rather than harmful. According to the Thirtyeight:one review, this behaviour was in line with reports made by others, which suggests the complainant was not the only victim of this criminal behaviour.

The primary responsibility for this wickedness lies with Jonathan Fletcher. It is very unlikely that he will ever be able to apologise to the complainant in the trial, or any others who suffered at his hands. Fletcher's earlier unwillingness, and perhaps now inability, to make amends, makes the ongoing silence from those who claimed they would search their souls all the more difficult for some survivors to bear.

The court's findings should have been a moment when the survivors who raised concerns about Jonathan Fletcher were vindicated. It was the perfect opportunity for those, who had previously said there were lessons to learn, to reveal that the culture had changed. Heartfelt, public acknowledgement of the harm Jonathan Fletcher had inflicted and repentance that not enough was done to stop him, would have gone a long way to vindicate the survivors. It was an opportunity to bring the survivors in from the cold.

The court's findings prompted Andy Byfield, who was a curate at Emmanuel Church, Wimbledon under Jonathan Fletcher (JF) from 2009 to 2012, to write X:

"Having been his curate at Emmanuel for three years I’m so sorry for not doing more to stop him. He was in many ways one of the ‘untouchables’ at the time but I saw enough problems in his behaviour that I should have done more. It’s time all of us who were around him said so. I’m also sorry it’s taken me so long to say it. Truth is the story has destroyed me. My faith shattered into a billion pieces. The result is I’ve not been strong enough to say it until now - but we have to recognise that silence harms the real victims of JF."

Three days later, he wrote,

"This post has now been viewed five and a half thousand times*. In three days. That’s a lot of interested people. Some of them will be the very ones who need to say sorry with me. Leaders/organisations who were in JF’s orbit. There’ll never be a better time to speak than now."

To demand an apology is an oxymoron.

It is, however, a tragedy that the decision at Kingston Crown Court did not lead others to reflect on what they promised in those statements five years ago. It is a missed opportunity that the verdict did not spur them on to join Andy Byfield in saying publicly, "I saw enough problems in his behaviour that I should have done more."

Jonathan Fletcher did not operate in a vacuum. A culture existed where certain preachers were so revered that no one could speak against them. As this blog has noted before, every time such a preacher is platformed, invited to preach, praised or published it enhances the sense of untouchability. Every time the bullying and domineering behaviour of such a preacher is excused it increases their power.

In 2021, only one institution set out the lessons they had learned: The leaders of Emmanuel Church, Wimbledon (ECW) confessed their "arrogance", their willingness to turn a blind eye to a "culture of fear", their desire to embrace a “worldly view of strong leadership” and be part of a “well-known church with a good reputation.” They even “apologised unreservedly,” committing to providing “free, independent, therapeutic support” for those harmed.

Change should have happened. That it didn't is heartbreaking.

For today, there is no sign of this statement on ECW's website, or any link to the separate website they set up at the time, the therapeutic support ran out years ago and their recent response to Fletcher’s trial suggests that any sparks of a change in culture at ECW have been thoroughly doused. This, and the fact that no other institution, or individual, has publicly owned “the extent to which [they] have been complicit”, speaks volumes. The culture of fear in which Jonathan Fletcher operated is alive and well and as Vaughan Roberts predicted, it will not change until there is “real and deep repentance”.

To one well-wisher on X, Andy Byfield responded:

"I accepted my victim status a long time ago. But victims with power are different to the rest. I wasn’t simply a victim. I stood next to a very bad man and didn’t spot what he was doing. There’s culpability in that. So I’m saying sorry."

It's a good start.

*At the time of publishing this blog this comment on X had been seen more than eight thousand times.

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